I knew my life would be changed forever when I first found out that I was pregnant with Peyton. So many different emotions came rushing all at the same time-- excitement, the first one. Fear, immediately after. I remember reading the results of the pregnancy test, while Tim was on the other side of the door screaming, “What does it say?!” I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and whispered to myself, “Oh, shit!” I couldn’t believe we were having a baby. I was literally going to be someone’s mom! I opened the door, and showed him the test results-- POSITIVE. To this day, I wonder exactly what was going through his mind at that moment. All I can remember is he had this huge grin on his face, and there was something so reassuring about it. My anxious heart was calmed.
We could hardly sleep that night. We spent the night tossing and turning in bed, giggling about what our parents and best friends would say when we told them the news. “You guys are so young!” “You’re just starting your careers!” We knew what they would say, but we didn’t care. We were over the moon, excited for the journey ahead. We promised each other that we would keep the news between the two of us for two weeks before we told anyone, even our parents. That promise didn’t last long. I knew it wouldn’t. I can’t hold water! So, we both agreed to tell our parents the next morning.
Although getting pregnant was not part of “the plan” at the time, we were serious about embracing the changes that were coming. We were young, yet determined. We were fresh into “adulting,” yet, so excited to welcome a piece of us into the world. Tim took the lead on having the conversation with our parents, assuring them that we were a strong unit, ready to take on parenthood, together, hand in hand.
By the third month into my pregnancy with Peyton, my emotions began to feel unsettled. At the time, I thought, How can I complain? Physically, I am great. I am healthy, and so is our baby girl. The reality, though, was that my emotions were not so much. The hormones, the mood swings, the agitation-- I was all over the place.
I started to worry about the kind of parent I would be. I questioned, Was I equipped to be a mother? Was I emotionally fit to pour into a little baby girl? She would be watching me. My every move. The pressure was on; I couldn’t fail, not at this. I didn’t know how to handle it; I didn’t even know how to express it. So I started praying. I prayed a short prayer every morning, asking God to help me be the best mom I could be.
It was the moment that I first held Peyton that my fear and anxiety vanished. She had been crying hysterically, while everyone stood over the nurse’s shoulder, in awe of her cuteness. I waited for them to bring her over to me, so curious to see her little face. What did she look like? What would she feel like in my arms? What if she didn’t stop crying, right here with everyone watching me? My doctor brought Peyton over to me. She said, “Bria, right now, only you and daddy can give her what she needs to stop crying.” So, carefully, I held her to my chest, skin to skin, and immediately, she was soothed. I felt so full. More full than I had ever felt in my life. It was like a flip had just switched on; I felt this natural need to nurture. I felt grateful to be part of this miracle, bringing life into the world, something only women can do. This little person needed me. I knew, then, that motherhood would be the most beautiful love I would ever know. And more than that, I was sure that I was equipped to do everything that I could, as a mother, to raise an amazing human being. I was ready.
So, to the first time Millennial Mom: You are ready. You are equipped. You are enough. Carrying and birthing a child is such a unique experience. It seems like everyone has different experiences, but the magic of motherhood is universal. You’ve got this!